Day 128: Why do men cheat?
Fem365: Fitness. Food. Femininity.
First off, please don’t get the wrong idea — there are no problems in the Grogan household! I am not referring to my husband in the title of this post (thank goodness).
Last week I watched the video “Why do mean cheat?” on the Huffington Post. The question was answered by LiYana Silver, Relationship Coach. The video reminded me of an email I received from a friend who recently went through a divorce. I shared with my friend that I had been neglecting my husband due to a busy period in my work and social life. She answered as follows:
I watched the train wreck of my marriage happening but never believed the crash would actually happen as it did. Death would have been kinder. Good for you to admit when you are taking your husband for granted and to admit it to HIM. It’s still amazing to me, after marrying a man, raising 2 sons and having 2 brothers, HOW MUCH you have to stroke men. Not just their egos… But to literally stroke them about nearly ANYTHING they do or say. It may seem juvenile and mundane while YOU are doing it, but it will pay dividends years down the road. I did a lousy job helping my husband to keep his focus on me exclusively. He is/was a “good guy” — an exemplary employee, great provider, etc. But we all fail sometimes.
Control what you can in your own life and what you give to the marriage. You will never be able to control your husband’s actions and thoughts, but you can help him keep it straight. Isn’t that what the Bible said about Eve, that she was to be Adam’s help mate? Women are capable of helping more than we give ourselves credit for!
I agree with LiYana’s video — at least for mature relationships. I think in immature relationships, or less serious relationships, cheating is often due to the cute co-ed down the hall more than any issue having to deal with emotional appreciation!
I also agree with my friend’s advice (above). MY man, at least, requires appreciation: a “pat on the back,” regular acknowledgement of a job well done (or a well-put together outfit, or a particularly handsome-looking day)… He thrives off of it! I have had to learn to take the time give him what he needs, or he becomes distant and reclusive.
I think the parenting standby of positive reinforcement is just as important for marriage and relationships as it is for child-rearing!
What do you think? Do you think this is old-fashioned advice, or right on? I’d love to hear from you…
Day 127: First Trimester Fitness VIDEO
Fem365: Fitness. Food. Femininity.
If you missed Friday’s post about FIRST TRIMESTER fitness, click here to check it out. The following video is a simple fitness plan for women in their first trimester. As always, check with your healthcare provider before starting this or any other exercise program, and STOP if anything is painful!
What did you do for fitness during your first trimester of pregnancy? How did you feel? Any regrets? Anything you would do again? Please leave comments below — I love pregnancy stories!
Day 125: Perinatal Fitness Picks Part 2… The first trimester!
Fem365: Fitness. Food. Femininity.
If you missed my first “Perinatal Fitness Picks” post (from last Friday), click here! Then click here for the video.
So… You did it! There’s a “bun in your oven!” A friend of mine despises that phrase… I happen to think it’s cute.
The first trimester is different for everyone. Some people sail right through with no problems whatsoever. Others are miserable, with near-constant queasiness (who decided to call it morning sickness?) and oppressive fatigue.
I remember my own first trimester… Lying in the fetal position — near the bathroom — as my mom prepared Thanksgiving dinner. I was so tired… And so queasy! I couldn’t bring myself to even look at a carrot without a wave of nausea. At work, I often had to excuse myself and (literally) run to the restroom as I felt my face turn three shades of green (I was working as a PT in a skilled nursing facility at the time).
But I can’t complain… I had it much easier than many women I know! Luckily, I was able to continue with my physically demanding job and keep up my workout routine, both of which kept me strong and contributed to a relatively quick and easy labor, and a speedy re-entry into pre-baby jeans.
Enough about me… Let’s talk about YOU! You with the bun in the oven! If there’s no bun in your oven, share this with someone who is expecting. Women need to know this stuff!
The undiscussed “secrets” of pregnancy…
First, you might start leaking urine. Now. I know, I know… You’re barely even showing! But studies show that changes occur in the inner core early in pregnancy with a decrease in pelvic floor muscular activity noted as early as the eighth week gestation. Many women begin having incontinence issues for the first time in their lives when they are pregnant. Urinary leakage can occur due to the weight of the baby creating a downward force on the pelvic floor muscles, which are stretched – sometimes to the max – during the course of pregnancy. When the pelvic floor muscles are overstretched, they can’t effectively help close off the urethra. This can cause spontaneous leakage; for example, while walking, lifting, moving from sit to stand, coughing, and laughing.
In addition, you probably have to pee more often. Your bladder is not accustomed to the feeling of the growing uterus pushing into it, more and more every day as it expands. Go ahead and go, but take it easy. Don’t rush, and don’t fret. When you start becoming hyper-sensitive to your bladder filling and rushing to the bathroom at the drop of a hat, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy: Worrying about “not making it in time” can contribute to not making it in time! A heightened sense of urgency and can ultimately create an increased risk of urinary leakage due to the rush of stress-induced adrenaline that’s released, especially when coupled with your already slightly-less-active pelvic floor.
It will all be worth it in the end!!!
So what to do? Well… Do your kegels! Continue to develop your core and pelvic floor strength. Notice I said CONTINUE, becuase hopefully you started exercising before pregnancy. You will want to focus especially on the gluteals (butt muscles), pelvic floor, deep abdominal muscles, and low- and mid-back muscles.
Some things to keep in mind during the first trimester:
- Fatigue will be an issue. Listen to your body and push yourself a little, but not too hard. If you’re just plain exhausted, then you might want to skip your 5 AM workout. Missing one day won’t harm you (or the baby).
- Strength training is AWESOME, but allow for plenty of recovery time after (and between) workouts. You might feel more muscle soreness and fatigue than usual… Take care of yourself and allow for an extra day (or two) of MORE rest than usual between sessions.
- Start stretching now! Muscles can get kinked and tight in odd places due to the postural changes you can expect during pregnancy. Often, muscle tightness in the low back, hip, and gluteal regions can pinch and irritate nerves… This is a primary cause of sciatica, that dreaded beast that many pregnant women have experienced!
The following are some IDEAS — exercises picked among thousands of exercise possibilities — that are great for the first trimester. Keep in mind, these exercise picks are inteded for healthy women in their first trimester with no complications and no medical restrictions. This is not personalized advice for YOU… Just some good, solid exercises that your average healthy woman in her first trimester (I hope that describes YOU) might want to try.
I am listing them below… A video describing them more fully is coming this weekend. Watch for it!
Strengthening:
- Bird Dog
- Bridges: supine (on your back), and side positions
- Planks: from elbows and knees (or from elbows and toes)
- Mountain Climber
- Deep Squat
- Kegels in all positions (lying down, in deep squat, sitting, and standing)
Stretching:
- Standing hip flexor stretch
- Mermaid (seated side-bending stretch)
- Hamstring stretch
If you don’t know what the heck I’m talking about when I name the exercises (as above), just wait another day or two… Video coming! Check back!
What was your first trimester like? Do you have any stories to share related to morning sickness, fatigue, or lack thereof? Any stories related to first trimester fitness? I want to hear from you!
Day 124: Back to the basics… Kegels 102.
Fem365: Fitness. Food. Femininity.
I’m calling this post “Kegels 102″ because — to be perfectly honest — it’s recycled from a post I wrote nearly three years ago. THREE YEARS AGO! I have been blogging for a long time!
This post has some great info, and a dear friend of mine recently reminded me that the pelvic health content offered on this blog is truly priceless for women. My pelvic health posts can be a bit difficult to search for, as they are hidden among layers and layers and LAYERS of posts (nearly 300!).
If you want to know why you should do kegels or how often to do kegels or what other exercises are recommended in addition to kegels, check out my book! If you want to know how to do kegels, keep reading.
Let’s talk about the basics:
Kegels 102
You have probably heard of a “kegel,” the basic technique used for strengthening the pelvic floor based on the research of Dr. Arnold Kegel (an obstetrician/gynecologist circa 1940s). Contracting the pelvic floor seems simple, but surprisingly, many women who think they know how to do a kegel are not contracting the appropriate muscles when examined for technique. There are a few steps you need to take to make sure you are doing kegels correctly. If not, your efforts to exercise will be futile and you may even be damaging your pelvic floor.
Try this: Lie down on your back with a pillow under your hips and your knees bent. Place a hand on your belly and breathe normally. Contract your pelvic floor muscles (the muscles that lie at the base of the pelvis and surround the vagina and rectum) by squeezing in and lifting up as if you’re trying to stop the flow of urine. Now ask yourself some questions. Did you feel your abdomen move? Did you feel your buttocks clenching? Were you holding your breath? Were you bearing down? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you did not do the kegel correctly. The aim of a kegel is to isolate the pelvic floor muscles which are internal, so there should be no external movement as they contract. NO ONE who is watching from the outside should have any clue that you’re exercising, when in fact, you’re working a vital group of muscles.
Take a Look!
To make sure you are performing kegels correctly, use a handheld mirror as you lie in the position described above. This is best done without underwear. As you contract the pelvic floor, the perineum – the area between the vagina and the anus – should move upward and inward (toward your head). If you see the area bulging outward, stop here! You are not doing a kegel correctly. Read on for more information then try again.
In addition to taking a look, you can also lightly touch the perineum while you perform the exercise. This can be done with or without underwear. Again, the perineum should move upward and inward. If it does not move or if it bulges outward, stop here and keep reading for more tips before trying again.
The above techniques – looking and touching – are called “simple biofeedback.” They provide sensory information (visual and tactile) to the brain to help coordinate the command with the movement.
Visualization
If you are not able to perform a kegel correctly, try concentrating on the following visualizations. After you’ve found one that makes sense to you or resonates with you, try the exercise again with one of the simple biofeedback techniques described above.
Visualization One: The Flower. Think of your vagina as a flower that is wide open, like a rose in full bloom. Now visualize the flower closing up tightly and back into the shape it had as a bud, like time lapse photography going backward from summer to spring. Try contracting your pelvic floor (pull in and up) as you visualize the tightly closed bud. Relax the pelvic floor as you visualize the flower in full bloom.
Visualization Two: The Ball. Picture a small, smooth, round ball. Visualize the ball coming into your body as you contract your pelvic floor. Imagine it rolling out as you relax the pelvic floor.
Visualization Three:The Elevator. Imagine your pelvic floor muscles as an elevator that is stopped at the ground floor or the lobby of a building. Contract your pelvic floor muscles as you imagine the elevator doors sliding closed, then lift your pelvic floor muscles upward as you imagine the elevator rising to the second or third floor. Hold briefly at the top of the contraction. Release the contraction as the imaginary elevator lowers and returns to the starting position (the lobby). Fully relax your pelvic floor muscles as you imagine the elevator doors sliding open.
One More Check-In
The following are some cues that you are NOT performing a kegel correctly:
o You can feel or see your abdominals or your buttocks contracting
o You find yourself holding your breath
o You are pushing or bearing down (as if having a bowel movement)
o You cannot see or feel your perineum lift through simple biofeedback
Please do not be discouraged if your form is incorrect and if, after a week or two of training, you still can’t “get the hang” of it. Up to fifty percent of women are unable to complete kegels correctly with verbal or written instruction alone. If you feel that this is the case for you, don’t give up. Seek out a women’s health physical therapist or an urogynecologist. Both disciplines have special training in the treatment of pelvic floor dysfunction including underactive pelvic floor muscles and poor coordination of the pelvic floor. These providers can help you find the pelvic floor muscles and complete a correct contraction. They will prescribe a pelvic floor strengthening program based on your strength level and your needs.
Day 123: Super-Simple Paleo Recipes… 3-ingredient sunbutter cookies
Fem365: Fitness. Food. Femininity.
3-Ingredient Sunbutter Cookies
(refined sugar free, dairy free, gluten free, grain free, nut free)
- Heaping 1/2 cup chopped pitted dates (use the biggest and softest dates you can find)
- 1/2 cup Sunbutter (my Sunbutter is lightly sweetened with cane sugar. If you use unsweetened, you may want to add up to 1 Tbsp agave or honey)
- 1 egg
